


Hard Choices

by ddagent



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heroine's Journey, Major Illness, Philinda Secret Summer, Running Away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 05:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4423862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddagent/pseuds/ddagent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Phil disappears, Melinda does everything she can to bring him home. Written for the song prompt 'No Matter Where You Are'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Agents of SHIELD or any of its characters, or settings - all belongs to Marvel and ABC.
> 
> NOTE: This is set post season two, but plays a little loose with the continuity. 
> 
> A big thank you to elle-you-oh for listening to my ideas, the lovely people in the Philinda chatroom for listening to me stress, and to righteousnerd who is, as always, my rock. 
> 
> This is my very late story for the Philinda Secret Summer Exchange! D0mesticbliss, I honestly hope you like this! I tried to incorporate the themes of the song, as well as the idea of friendship and support. I hope I have succeeded. Enjoy!

_“Goodbye Melinda.”_

Her eyes snapped open, her body rising as the momentum from her dream carried her forward. Melinda tried to steady herself; tried to focus on the cause behind the uneasy feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. But the dream was already a memory. Her mind tried to grasp onto the last images like a small child would try to grasp smoke from a bonfire. She was left with two words ringing in her ears. But as her mind calmed and her chest stilled, Melinda realised it was only a dream.

 

Turning to the space beside her, ready to apologise for the nightmare that had woken her, Melinda felt the uneasiness return. The bed was empty. She placed a hand against the sheets. _Cool_. They had been cool for some time.

 

“Phil?”

 

No answer.

 

Melinda pushed the sheets away, wrapping her arms around her abdomen as she searched for him. She unlocked his bedroom door, peered out into the hallway. She checked the bathroom, the empty room beside his. _He’s probably already at work._ Melinda wanted to listen to that voice in the back of her mind, the one that tried to reassure her that everything would be fine. But her gut still protested, and it was her gut that she listened to.

 

“Coulson?” Melinda called sharply as she used the back entrance into his office. “Phil?”

 

There was no response, and no Phil. Feeling the uneasiness in her stomach increase, Melinda decided to take a further look. There was a diary on Phil’s desk, meetings and deadlines all written in code. Flicking through the pages, nothing had been scheduled for a week or so. _Maybe he’s out getting you breakfast._ Melinda ignored the voice; that silly, _naïve_ voice that was telling her everything would be okay. Something was wrong. As Melinda searched another drawer, she realised what it was.

 

Carved into the side of the wood were the Kree symbols.

 

\--

 

Melinda May sat in Director Coulson’s chair in Director Coulson’s office. But Director Coulson was not there. Around her were the rest of their team. Melinda could not bear to look at them, to see her confusion and worry reflected back in their eyes. Instead she watched the surveillance footage that Coulson had not deleted. She watched him toss a bag into the back of Lola and drive away. In that bag were clothes, some old mementos. And a loaded gun.

 

“May.” Melinda looked down to see Skye kneeling by her side. Her eyes were wet, glassy. She felt the urge to comfort her, but words failed her. “May, what’s happening?”

 

Every eye in the room turned to her. “It would seem that Director Coulson is suffering the effects of the GH-325 serum again. So he left.”

 

Mack was the first to speak. “So he just upped and left in the middle of the night? No note, no orders? He just abandoned SHIELD?”

 

“Not exactly.” Koenig slipped into the room unnoticed, bypassing the imposing figures in the room to place a file in front of May. “A week ago, Director Coulson had me take down some very important orders in case of his death. At the time I thought it would be due to complications with his new hand. I didn’t-“ He met May’s gaze. “I didn’t know.”

 

Melinda reached for the file. The orders inside were typed, ordered neatly by importance. _A last will and testament._ Simmons would run the Science Division. Weaver would remain head of the Council. Skye would be in charge of Operation Caterpillar. May…

 

_Agent Melinda May is to be my successor as Director of SHIELD. There is not a more qualified candidate within the agency, and no one I trust more to continue my legacy._

 

“Damn you, Phil,” Melinda hissed, pushing the papers aside.

 

The file was lifted from the desk; the orders circulated. More than a few heads turned her way. She was now Director of SHIELD. _Director._ She’d never wanted that role. She had always wanted to be out in the field, not stuck behind a desk. But here she was, left with an agency still reeling from its destruction. They needed a leader, a guiding force to rebuild. In their partnership, Phil had always occupied that role. Now she would need to take his place.

 

She hadn’t been ready for his death. How could she be ready for this?

 

\--

 

They let her grieve.

 

After the meeting, they filed out one by one. Jemma held Skye, walked her out of the office. Bobbi promised to call Weaver, explain to her what had happened. But then they had left her alone. They were wise. Melinda sat at Phil’s desk for as long as she could, the emotions bubbling up inside of her. _He’d known._ He’d known for a long time. He’d sat at this desk and carved those symbols. Instead of coming to her, like he had before, he’d shut her out. He’d known she wouldn’t make half-hearted promises this time. He’d known that she would look him in the eye and say she would _find a way._

 

But she never had. She never would.

 

The papers were the first things to go. Files and paperwork strewn in a heap on the floor. A Captain America trinket Phil had left smashed against the floor. Wood splintered; glass fractured. In the centre of the storm was Melinda May, struggling with this latest turn of events. This was the second time she had been unable to save her partner. She hadn’t even had a chance to try.

 

“Agent May?”

 

“Not now, Simmons.” The scientist remained in the doorway. Melinda turned away so she would not see her in this state. “ _I said_ _not now_.”

 

“I knew something was wrong.”

 

Her head jerked in her direction, May’s eyes narrowing. “You _knew?_ And you said _nothing_?”

 

Jemma swallowed. “Like Agent Koenig, I thought it was a reaction to his new hand. Director Coulson asked for more blood work, more tests. I didn’t know he was carving again. If I had, I would have told you.”

 

Melinda stepped back, taking a deep breath. They were all suffering. Now was not the time to lash out. “I’m sorry, Jemma.”

 

“It’s fine.” Simmons smiled weakly before she continued. “The last thing I want to do is cause more pain. But, and this is a very big _but,_ I might know a way to help the Director.”

 

Melinda crossed over the wreckage of Coulson’s office in a matter of seconds. “What are you talking about?”

 

“It’s a theory, one I have yet to test. But the GH-325 serum in his blood is based on Kree DNA. After the events on the Iliad, I started to wonder whether Coulson would come out of the Terrigen chrysalis unharmed. There is a possibility that Mack was premature in cutting off the Director’s hand. If Terrigenesis could complete the transformation of the Kree DNA rather than hold Coulson in some sort of stasis…”

 

Melinda raised a hand, cutting Simmons off. She’d heard enough. There was a chance. A slim one. But if it was her in this position, then Phil wouldn’t hesitate to take it. Melinda wasn’t ready to lose him just yet. Not until she’d exhausted every possibility. Now all she had to do was find him.   

 

\--

 

“This is crazy! You don’t even know where he could be!”

 

“I agree with Skye. The world’s a big place. We don’t know how far along Coulson was. It might already be too late.”

 

Melinda paused in packing to watch Andrew and Skye both stare at her, both concerned. Maybe they had a right to be. Bobbi had called Andrew after they’d found the carving, and he’d come on base hoping to help where he could. He’d seen the mess she’d made of Coulson’s office, and no doubt had expected her to be a wreck. He hadn’t expected her to be so focussed. He certainly hadn’t expected her to be packing.

 

She pushed a couple of maps into her bag. “I’ll be fine. I know Coulson. I have some idea of where he might be.

 

“How? How do you know that?” Skye’s eyes pleaded with Melinda as she brushed past to collect some clean clothes. She handed Skye a list. “Manitowoc, Wisconsin? Camp Lehigh, New Jersey? Sausalito, California? What are these places?”

 

Melinda took the list back and placed it somewhere safe. “They’re our safe places. Coulson and I came up with them our first year out of the Academy. If we got into trouble and needed somewhere to lay low, this is where we would go. He has my list, I have his.”

 

The list had been stored at the bottom of her fire proof box she’d kept, along with other important documents and mementos. The three places were still written in his handwriting from nearly thirty years ago. According to reports following the fall of SHIELD, Camp Lehigh had all but been destroyed. An unlikely option, but one she had to visit. Manitowoc, where Phil had grown up, was a better choice. She had only been there a handful of times, but she remembered the area. Sausalito was the location of their first ever mission together.  Melinda remembered grinning upon seeing it on Phil’s list.

 

“Melinda.” Andrew had stepped forward. She knew his face better than most. She knew he was concerned. But she could tell from his eyes that he’d long since given up the battle. “This isn’t going to be an easy trip. Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

 

She nodded. She was prepared. “I have to go, Drew. If I don’t, I’ll regret it.”

 

Andrew rested his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently. “Do good, Melinda. Get home safe.”

 

“I always do.”

 

Melinda finished packing the rest of her things. A few changes of clothes, a couple of maps and items she’d pulled from the box that might help her find Phil. Some recent photographs of him; and some older, _much_ older photographs of the two of them. Guns. Ammunition.  Ward was still on the loose, as she’d been reminded at least three times since announcing her decision to go after Phil. But she could handle Ward. She could handle herself. And she _would_ find Phil.

 

With her bag slung over her shoulder, Melinda turned to Andrew and Skye. The muscle in the younger brunette’s jaw was clenched. She knew what was coming, and cut her off before she could ask. “I’m going alone, Skye.”

 

“May, _please_. I can help. I can’t just sit here and wait.”

 

As much as she would enjoy the company, this was something she had to do alone. This journey was hers to make, and hers alone. Melinda pressed forward, reaching for Skye’s shoulder. She pressed the young woman against her, feeling two arms encircle her neck. “Keep out of trouble.”

 

“Only if you do the same,” Skye whispered against her shoulder. The young brunette suddenly pulled back. “I’ll see you both when you get back, right?”

 

“Right.”

 

She nodded to both of them, smiling weakly at Andrew as she left her quarters and headed off base. Weaver would arrive soon. She would be in charge of SHIELD temporarily until either May returned with Coulson or May returned by herself. A part of her was unsure whether she would return alone. Phil had trusted her with his legacy. But they had been in this together from the very start. They would leave it together too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Agents of SHIELD or any of its characters, or settings - all belongs to Marvel and ABC.

_Camp Lehigh, New Jersey_

Melinda had last driven through New Jersey several years ago, when she and Coulson had been tracking stolen technology. Back then, she’d had Coulson in the passenger seat commenting on the radio, grinning as he retold the dumb stories he’d told a million times before. Now, Melinda only had the sound of talk radio for company. As she approached her first stop, she let the car fade into silence.

 

Camp Lehigh was off the beaten track. Well, it _used_ to be. Now all that remained was a crater; the smoke and debris long since carried off by the sirens and personnel of the United States Military. They were still posted outside, straight backed soldiers looking to ward off onlookers or conspiracy theorists. Melinda was neither. She chose not to carry her weapon, but she did pick up the State Police ID she’d tossed in her bag.

 

She flashed it at the young soldier before he even got a chance to argue with her. “Sorry to disturb you gentleman, but I’m with the New Jersey State Police. I’m trying to track down someone we believe may have passed through here.”

 

The soldier smirked.  “Well, ma’am, we keep this base pretty tightly guarded. I doubt he’s here. Why do you think he would come through anyway?”

 

“He thinks he’s Steve Rogers. My research tells me Captain Rogers used to train here.” Melinda shrugged. “Call it a hunch. Listen, I would _really_ appreciate having a look around, if you know what I mean? Supervised, of course. I just need to cross this place off my list.”

 

The soldier turned to his friend, the other soldier just shrugging. “Okay. But just a quick look around. My CO finds out, and I’m dead.”

 

Melinda shook his hand, a fifty tucked in between the blades of her fingers. The soldier grinned as he pulled his hand away. “Lead the way, soldier.”

 

She followed him through the metal gates and onto what was left of the base. Not much was left, it was all just ruins. Yet Melinda stared at the wreckage of old army buildings, of the assault courses and miles and miles of burnt field. Camp Lehigh had never been her favourite place. But it had been Phil’s.

 

_“Come on cadets! Put some energy into it or you’ll be running laps at three am!”_

_Melinda pulled herself through the mud, keeping her head away from the barbed wire above her. Eventually she pulled herself out of the ditch and onto the grass, sucking in a few breaths. She loved the assault courses at the Academy: the long lengths of wire, the climbing walls, the water tank. This was just crawling through mud. Pulling herself upright, Melinda watched Phil make his way through the course. He had never shared her passion for the ones at the Academy. But as he came out of the mud, he was grinning._

_“You having fun there, Coulson?”_

_Phil beamed as he collapsed beside her. “Aren’t you?”_

_“I’ve been better.”_

_The instructor blew his whistle again, and the assembled cadets scrambled to their feet. It was time for their daily run around the complex. All the other cadets were bulky soldiers or wiry agents, with more years of experience and training than either of them had put together. Melinda was the only girl. At nineteen years old, she was easy to spot in the crowd. But she could run. She and Phil soon took the lead, burning off their excess energy and pushing themselves forward._

_Eventually, when they were out of sight of the others, Phil slowed to a halt. Melinda paused, jogging back to find him staring up at a flag pole with no flag. “Everything okay?”_

_“It is. You know, there used to be a flag up there. The instructors would challenge you to climb up and take it down, but no one could. Apart from one man. He unscrewed the fixings at the bottom, brought the whole pole down. When he died, they took down the flag.”_

_Melinda suddenly understood why Phil had been so eager to train for two weeks at Camp Lehigh. If she’d known sooner, she would have teased him a little more. “That was Steve Rogers.”_

_“This is where he trained. This is where he became the Captain.” Phil was beaming, his blue eyes taking in the length of the pole. He pressed his hand to the metal. “I hope I become as good an agent as he was a Captain.”_

_“Of course you will. We_ both _will.” She could hear the others approaching. She nudged Phil in the shoulder, already preparing to run. “Come on, Coulson, let’s go. We got to beat them to the finish!”_

_Melinda took off, her sneakers pounding against the hard ground. Another pair of footfalls joined her, Phil matching her speed. They were miles ahead. Even when one of them faltered, the other would encourage them back up. Melinda would always be there to help Coulson. Just like he would always be there for her._

Melinda followed the phantom selves of her and Phil as they ran past, the phantoms cheering when they completed their run in the fastest time the Camp had on record. She blinked them away. There was nothing here. Nothing but phantoms. _One last try._ Melinda dug into her back pocket and pulled out a photograph of Phil. He was smiling. A lot of her pictures had him smiling.

 

“One last thing, has this guy been through recently?”

 

The soldier took the photograph. His eyes widened in surprise. “Actually, he _has._ About a week and a half ago he came through wanting a look at the grounds. Spent a long time looking at the old flag pole.” The soldier shrugged. “I don’t know why. Didn’t say where he was going either. But he definitely left.”

 

So Phil _had_ been here. This visit, his orders to Koenig, _their night,_ it was all the process of a man saying goodbye. But Melinda wasn’t going to let him drop the curtain just yet. After thanking the soldier once more, Melinda headed back to her rental. She dialled Skye’s number on the way.

 

“ _May? Oh my god, May. Are you okay? Have you found him yet?”_

“Not yet. He wasn’t in New Jersey, but that was a long shot anyway. How’s everyone? How’s Simmons doing?”

 

A pause, then the sound of Skye wincing. “ _Jemma,_ enough _with the needles, okay? Yeah, we’re working on her theory, trying to see if it could work. I’m giving blood; I’ve called Lincoln to see if he can get us a crystal. Weaver’s asked that this all stay in house. If this doesn’t work out, then we can let people know.”_

“Good call.” Melinda unlocked her rental and slipped inside. “Okay, I’m heading to Wisconsin next. There are a couple of places in Manitowoc I can try. His old house, the old high school, the convenience store where Phil got recruited.”

 

Skye laughed in disbelief. “ _Coulson got recruited at a convenience store? Seriously?_ ”

 

“I’ll tell you all about it when I get back.”

 

 _Maybe Coulson will tell you himself._ But Melinda kept such thoughts to herself. She pressed the end call button, tossing the phone and her badge in her bag. With one final look at Camp Lehigh, Melinda drove away. _Onto the next stop._

 

_Manitowoc, Wisconsin_

 

Manitowoc was a small town still trying to understand. The local news was still discussing the disaster that had befallen their high school students a few months ago, and no one was getting any closer to the truth. Before the fall, SHIELD would have covered this up within hours. Now there was nothing but rampant speculation.

 

Eyes watched her as Melinda pulled up in front of the convenience store, this time with a press badge slid inside her pocket. After recent events, another reporter in Manitowoc wouldn’t make too much difference. Inside she picked up some bottled water and some fruit, nodding at the cashier as he rang them up. Melinda looked around, gaze settling on the pictures and clippings on the back wall. Right in the centre was a photograph of an eighteen year old boy shaking hands with the mayor. He’d stopped a robbery, saving the lives of three shoppers in the process.

 

“Is there anything else?”

 

Melinda picked up a five pack of mini frosted doughnuts. “Just these.”

 

Sitting back in her rental, Melinda wondered just how logical a move back to Manitowoc would be. Post Cal, everyone was keeping their eyes open for any new gossip. Small town boy coming home would be big news. Might not make the paper, but it would certainly turn a few heads. Like New Jersey, this place was becoming less and less of a viable option. But Manitowoc was on his list, and Melinda would keep checking until she was sure that Phil Coulson had not come home.

 

_“Hey, Phil, welcome back!”_

_Phil grinned as he was engulfed in a big hug by his former boss. Melinda sat in the passenger seat, marvelling at how many people had waved to them as they’d drove through the heart of town. She’d lived in Pennsylvania all her life, and yet she’d never had this sort of reaction. But then Phil was a good kid from a small town. People would want to welcome him home._

_“Hey Phil, is this your girl?”_

_Mister Drummond, Phil’s former boss, was talking about her. Phil’s mouth gaped, unsure how to characterise their relationship. They were partners, but that would be hard to explain to someone outside of SHIELD. Small town boys brought home the big city girls they were dating. They didn’t bring friends. So Melinda put on a smile and just nodded._

_“Yeah, I’m his girl.” She grabbed Phil’s hand and squeezed it tight. “I’m so excited to see everything. Phil’s told me so much about this place.”_

_Drummond chuckled. “Well you two have a good time, you hear? Don’t get into too much trouble!”_

_They all laughed. Phil slipped back into Lola, hand automatically turning the ignition. He mouthed_ thank you _as they pulled away from the gas station and continued their drive through Main Street. Phil began to tell her old stories about the place; just fragments of his life before SHIELD. The radio played sixties rock and roll in the background, and both of them couldn’t stop smiling._

_“Here we go. The Coulson family home.”_

_They pulled into a driveway, and Melinda got her first look at where Phil had grown up. It was a quaint suburban house, with a front porch and a flag pole bearing the stars and stripes. Looking up into the house, Melinda spotted a Captain America figurine on a window sill. She would bet twenty bucks that that was Phil’s room._

_Melinda was looking forward to spending a week here. Phil had raved about his mother’s cooking, he’d droned on and on about all the places she could run and how there was a vegetable patch in his back yard that she could practice Tai Chi by. He’d even offered to give up his room so she didn’t have to sleep on the sofa. Phil had been so excited by the trip that it felt odd that he was so silent now._

_“Phil?” Her best friend’s face was dulled with an ache she couldn’t describe. “Are you okay?”_

_“Yeah. I’m just thinking about my Dad. The more years go by, the less I remember him. I remember he put up that flag pole.” Phil smiled faintly. “We never moved after he died. I switched schools; we went to a different church. But we never moved. I’m glad we didn’t. Now I get to tell you all the little things I remember.”_

_Melinda leant over and rested her head against Phil’s shoulder; hand resting against his chest. Phil smiled, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. Next year they would visit her house. Next year she would tell Phil all the strange and wonderful things she could remember about her own father. But now she was excited to be introduced to two of the most important people in Phil’s life. After her and Captain America, of course._

_“You two comin’ in or what? I made carrot cake.”_

_A woman appeared on the porch, an apron tied loosely around a nurse’s uniform. Phil began to beam. It was the first time he’d seen her in nearly a year. “That’s my Mom.”_

_“Then let’s go.”_

_Julie Coulson was there to hug her son when he stepped out of the corvette. She marvelled at how grown up he looked. Then she turned to Melinda, arms reaching out to hug her too. Unlike Drummond, they didn’t have to pretend with Julie. She was just happy that Phil had someone to turn to when things got rough at the Academy. She beckoned them in, and Phil slung an arm around her shoulder as they walked up to the porch._

“As you can see, the last owners have retained the porch and added a swing. The flag pole is a little old fashioned nowadays, but it adds a quaint little charm to the property.”

 

Melinda nodded as she followed the real estate agent up to the porch. The old Coulson house had had a fresh lick of paint since Melinda had last been there. But, as the agent described the outside windows, Melinda realised they’d missed the _PC_ and _MM_ that had been carved into the wood. Melinda couldn’t help but smile after seeing those indentations after all this time.

 

“If you’d like to follow me?”

 

There were no photographs up of a smiling young boy running around in his Captain America costume or playing in his athletics uniform. Instead, the pictures were of two twin girls. The bright yellow kitchen had been ripped out, replaced by something ghastly and modern. The couch was no longer lumpy with a spring digging in. The vegetable patch had all been dug up. It was a new home, for a new family.

 

“The owners have retained some of the original features, treated all the walls and replaced some of the windows. It’s a beautiful family home. Do you have children?”

The slice across her heart when that question was asked had dulled over time. But it still hurt. “One,” Melinda answered weakly. “A daughter. Skye.”

“How beautiful.” The real estate agent continued to smile as they travelled upstairs to look at the bedrooms. “The schools in this area are quite excellent, although I would advise sending Skye to a different high school. I’m sure you’ve read about the recent trouble. So lucky there wasn’t a tragedy.”

 

Melinda nodded along, taking in the house as best she could. The family were still living there, although the parents of the adorable twin girls were splitting up and moving to different parts of the state. If Phil was planning to move in here, it would be a long time coming. He’d been back, though. There had been fresh flowers on his parents’ graves.

 

Deciding to wrap this up, Melinda pulled out the photograph Simmons had taken of her, Phil and Skye last Christmas. “I know my husband is looking for houses in the area, and I was just wondering if he’d looked at this one? I’m falling in love with it, and I think if he approves we will _definitely_ make an offer. Do you know if he’s been around?”

 

“Oh yes, I remember him. Very polite, very charming. He didn’t mention an offer. He just looked at the house, admired the features. I got the impression that he’d been here before. Do you know if he used to live in the area?”

 

Melinda shook her head. “I don’t think so. Thank you, though. I’ll talk to him tonight over dinner, see what he thinks. Hopefully we’ll get back to you in a couple of days.”

 

“See that you do!”

 

As the real estate agent checked her phone for her next appointment, Melinda took one final look around the house. Phil’s old bedroom was covered in pink wallpaper and a toy castle fit for young princesses. Somewhere along the line, though, a Captain America figurine had been forgotten. The old man was sat amongst the other dolls drinking tea. Melinda smiled, thinking about Phil smiling too. They should have made this journey together.

 

“Phil, where are you?”

 

_Sausalito, California_

It seemed fitting that Melinda would return to Sausalito in a red convertible, having driven down the first time in Phil’s bright red corvette. This time she switched the radio on, playing with the controls until she found a station playing the sixties rock and roll that used to blare from Lola’s speakers. As he’d grown up, Phil’s taste had moved into jazz, big bands and swing music. But he could never resist singing along to some of his teenage favourites. Melinda listened to Eddie Cochran as she drove through the California countryside.

 

Arriving in Sausalito, Melinda pulled out her map of the nearby hotels. Sausalito, more than Manitowoc or Camp Lehigh, would be the perfect place for Phil to lie low. Lots of vacation traffic, lots of places to see without drawing any attention. There were plenty of hotels and motels in the area. Melinda would have to check them all.

 

“Have you seen this man?” she asked at the desk of each and every one. She slid Phil’s photograph across the wood, her fingers keeping close to the image of Phil’s face. “He would have passed through here in the last week or so.”

 

At each and every hotel and motel she tried, the answer was the same. Melinda hoped she would have more luck at the _Sunset Rooms,_ the cheap motel she and Phil had stayed in after their disastrous first mission. But the girl on the desk shook her head. She even checked the books, but none of the names jumped out as being one of Phil’s aliases.

 

Reaching the final hotel, Melinda could feel the ache of driving for too long without a break. She was running on water and little food, only calling the base when necessary lest Jemma or Skye hear the exhaustion in her voice. They would tell her to come back. She wasn’t ready to. Not yet. _Not yet._

“Good morning, I’m Agent Carter with the FBI.” Melinda flashed the receptionist her badge before slipping it inside her leather jacket. “I’m looking for a gentleman who might be a witness to a crime I’m investigating. It’s _imperative_ that I talk to him immediately. Have you seen him at all?”

 

With a heavy heart, Melinda passed the photograph to the receptionist. She almost didn’t want her answer. Her answer would end her journey. Melinda wasn’t ready for that.

 

“He stayed here a few days ago. Very polite, very sweet. Gave great tips to the staff in the restaurant. He actually asked the chef for the recipe. Said he wanted to try and make it at home.” _Phil. Always with the recipes_. “I hope he’s not in any trouble.”

 

Melinda shook her head. “He’s not; I just need to find him. Did he mention where he was going after he left?”

 

“I’m sorry, no. But he did spend an evening out by the Bay. He told one of the bell boys that it reminded him of old times. I don’t know if that means anything to you.”

 

Melinda turned to look out onto the shimmering surface of the Bay. “It does.”

 

_The Bay was really beautiful this time of year. Melinda felt herself watching the sun fall over the water’s surface more than their target. She wanted to pull out her camera so she could preserve this moment. The light strands in Phil’s hair highlighted by the lowering sun, the blue in his eyes sparkling like the Bay behind them. She wanted to take a photograph so she could never forget this moment, this time. There would never be another moment like this._

_“Okay, target is still eating,” Phil whispered, hand reaching out for his lemonade. “Target is making a mess of that seafood linguine.”_

_Melinda snorted into her iced tea. “Is that how’s it going to be? We go to a new place, and you’re staring more at the food than the suspect?”_

_Phil just stared, offended. “Don’t pretend you haven’t wanted to take a perfect shot of that sunset, Melinda. I know you; I know when you’re itching to play with your lens.” She shrugged. She wasn’t going to lie to Phil. “I consider it a bonus. Travel to new, exotic lands and pick up recipes whilst stopping bad guys and saving the world. It’ll be fun.”_

_“You better cook for me when we get home.”_

_“Count on it.” Both of them turned to watch the suspect, Melinda’s appetite disappearing as they watched him eat. “How about seafood linguine?”_

_She threw her napkin at him, but that did not deter Phil’s smile. He was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes the lightest they had been for some time. Since his mother’s passing, Phil had been solely dedicated to their training, their duty. This was the first time she’d really seen her old friend back. She was glad to see him. Grief was no one’s friend._

_“Maybe we should go on a trip.”_

_Melinda rolled her eyes. “Like SHIELD will let us go anywhere.”_

_Phil leaned in closer, all smiles pushed aside. This wasn’t a joke. This was a proposal. “I’m serious, Melinda. Sausalito looks incredible. So does San Francisco. Next time we have leave, how about we come back? Do a little sightseeing.”_

_“We’d have to maintain our covers. You’d have to be my boyfriend for a whole week.”_

_He shrugged. “I don’t see a problem with that.”_

_They laughed, Phil reaching across the table to touch her hand. It was part of their cover, Melinda had no doubt. But this wasn’t the first moment they’d shared in the four years they’d been friends, partners, that suggested there was something more to their relationship. It was something she’d considered exploring more than once. Sometimes she thought about what they could be. It wasn’t professional to have such a discussion in the middle of an operation. But on a trip somewhere? They could do nothing but talk._

_“This is nice.”_

_Melinda nodded. “I could do with a little more action, though. Maybe a fight, maybe someone with a gun.”_

_Phil sighed, shaking his head. “Take the win, Melinda. I’m sure we’ll be on an op soon enough where you’ll get to put all your skills to good use.”_

_“Here’s hoping. I didn’t join SHIELD for the free food.”_

_“I did,” Phil said, polishing off the tomatoes on Melinda’s plate. She always left them for him. “Okay, Mister Linguine is walking. Follow and retrieve?”_

_“Follow and retrieve.”_

_Phil pulled Melinda’s chair out and offered her his arm. Following their target, Melinda looked once more over her shoulder at the Bay. It really was beautiful. She turned to Phil, who had seemingly been watching her. Together, they walked on with a smile. Twenty minutes later, however, Melinda was knocked into the Bay she had loved so much. Although she had cursed his name a million times during the five hours she was in the water, he found her eventually. Phil would always find her, always be there for her. Like she would always be there for him._

Melinda stood for a long time looking out over the Bay. A cool breeze lifted her dark hair from her shoulder and froze the tears threatening to fall. This was the end of her journey. It felt right that it would be here, in Sausalito, where her journey with Phil had begun. They’d gone on hundreds of operations after that. Sometimes he was in charge, other times she ran the show. But they had always been together.

 

At least she’d been able to say goodbye this time. She hadn’t answered his last call before New York. This time he had made her dinner and they had sat, talking, for hours. Melinda had woken up that morning with the promise of something. She hadn’t realised that it would be another broken one.

 

Her phone began to vibrate against her thigh. _Skye._ “Everything okay?”

 

“ _It totally is, May. Simmons will explain properly when you get back but she thinks her theory’s viable. There were some petrified rats but now they’re looking as healthy as horses. You know, for rats.”_ Skye paused. _“Have you found him yet?”_

Melinda couldn’t tell her the truth. “Not yet, Skye, but I have a couple more places to check. He’s here, I know it.”

 

_“Well bring him home as soon as you can. I want to see Simmons yell at him for not seeking proper medical treatment. Keep safe, May. Come home soon.”_

“I will.”

 

Ending the call, Melinda turned and looked back out at the Bay. She hadn’t found Coulson, but she had found a way. She’d told him she would. But without Coulson, it seemed pointless. The world was a big place. He could be exploring the food scene in South America; he could be visiting Stark Tower in New York. He could be in Washington D.C. camped out at the Captain America exhibit. She wanted to search the world for him, but she knew her journey would be fruitless. The world was too big.  

 

It was time to go home.

 

_Brampton, Pennsylvania_

It had been a long time since Melinda had called this house home. But with the familiar arches above the door, her face in all the photographs along the wall, and the smell of her mother’s cooking coming from the kitchen, no place had ever felt more like home. Melinda had quietly used her key to get in, hoping not to wake her mother in the middle of the night. But Andrew had called her, and her mother had sat up waiting. Somehow she had known she would come.

 

The morning after her journey had come to an end, Melinda padded down to the kitchen wearing yesterday’s clothes and a headache formed of dehydration and stress. A bowl of fruit and a cup of weak tea were waiting for her.

 

“Thanks, Mom,” Melinda said without touching any of it.

 

“You should eat something. Get your strength back. Then you can continue looking.”

 

She sighed. “I don’t know where to go next, Mom. I thought he would be at one of his safe places. He _was;_ I was just too damn late.”

 

Her mother pushed the tea closer to her. “Drink. You will figure it out. No one knows Philip like you.”

 

“Maybe once I did. But right now I can’t figure him out. He didn’t tell me he was leaving; didn’t tell me he was sick again. He just left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye.”

 

Taking a seat in front of her, her mother pushed the bowl of fruit closer. Melinda put a fork in her hand to appease the mother. The taste of watermelon refreshed the inside of her mouth. The orange was a welcome taste from stale doughnuts and cheap sandwiches. She continued to eat until the bowl was empty. She looked up to see her mother smile.

 

“It sounds like Philip is saying goodbye to all the people and places he cherishes. Maybe you should abide by his wishes.”

 

Melinda shook her head. “I probably should. But I can’t. I won’t let him go through this alone. He didn’t leave me when I needed him.“

 

“Then you will find him.”

 

She wished she could share her mother’s optimism, her faith. Melinda had never had much of that in her life. She had believed in two things: SHIELD, and Phil Coulson. One of those had changed. The other was potentially gone forever. Melinda wondered how long Phil had planned this, how long he’d known. He’d given new orders, said goodbye to his parents. Planned a dinner, even cooked. He had been saying goodbye, wrapping up loose ends. _Seafood linguine._ She should have known.

 

“Philip is finishing his life, Melinda. Tying everything off. What else needs to be finished?”

 

New York. Portland. Melinda could think of a dozen places that Phil had always wanted to visit. Maybe he wanted a new trading card collection. But none of that felt right. He would want to be alone. A thought crossed her mind. A thought of a place, unfinished and unvarnished. A place she hadn’t had the heart to sell.

 

“I think I know where he is.”

 

A flask and a food basket were placed beside her. “Go. Take care of yourself. Give him hell when you see him.”

 

“Count on it.” Melinda stood up, grabbing her leather jacket and the rental keys. She kissed her mother on the cheek as she left. “Thanks, Mom.”

 

Grabbing her bag and her mother’s provisions, Melinda ran out of the house and down to the car. It didn’t take her long to put the keys in the ignition and start the engine. She didn’t allow herself to hope as she drove. But the part of her that still had faith said a prayer.

 

_Alexandria, Virginia_

_“So, this is the house!”_

_Melinda stood in the foyer and stared, unimpressed. It was empty. The walls were unpainted and the floors weren’t carpeted. She was pretty sure that the back wall was missing. Yet Phil was standing proudly, showing off his new home with a smile. He seemed ridiculously happy for a man who had just spent way too much money on a fixer upper._

_“It’s…nice.”_

_Phil’s smile faded for a moment. But then he grabbed her hands, pulling her into the rest of the house. “It’s not done yet. But when it is…Melinda, it’s going to be amazing. I’m putting in a new kitchen, all modern appliances with tons of colour. I’m going to sand down this wood. New bathroom fixings, maybe a deck out back? Flag pole, of course. It’s going to be incredible. My dream home.”_

_Melinda nodded along. “Yeah, and when are you going to find the time to do all this?”_

_Ever since graduating from the Academy, both of them had lived in either SHIELD operated apartments or barracks at the base. Melinda quite liked her apartment. Whilst Andrew had suggested on more than one occasion that she move into his place, Melinda liked her own space. She wasn’t quite ready for a house. Phil, surprisingly, was. Putting down roots. Or, carpets, in this case._

 

_“We have leave. I can take a little time off too. I can do this at the weekends!” Phil wrapped his arms around Melinda’s waist. “I’ve got plenty of free time now my best friend is in love.”_

_“Stop it. I’m not in love.”_

_Phil gave her that look. That annoying, I-know-you-better-than-you-think look that she had been trying to glare out of him since the Academy. He had been incredibly supportive over Andrew. The least she could be is supportive over this damn house._

_“It’s going to be great.”_

_“It will be.” Phil grinned. He let go of her to pull two beers out from nowhere. Champagne, it seemed, would wait until his new project was complete. He screwed the top off both and handed one to her. “Okay, here is to new lives, and new projects, and to the future. I hope that whatever life brings me, I’m standing with you through all of it.”_

_Melinda clinked her beer against his. “Absolutely. We’re partners. Where you go, I go. Always.”_

_Twelve Years Later_

The house still looked the same.

 

After New York, Melinda had been the one to go through his belongings. She’d stored them in this unfinished house, awaiting Fury’s word on the success of Project Tahiti. Back then, she had tried to push down any hope that Phil would come back to her. There had been no chance he would come back from that. But he had, and now she was here. More than the grave she had uncovered, this house felt more like Phil’s tomb.

 

Gently pressing the door to the catch, Melinda looked around. The walls were still unpainted. But symbols had been carved into the plaster. _He was here._

 

The house had a new kitchen. There was a new bathroom, and before his death there had even been a vegetable patch. But the flag pole outside bore no flag, and the floors were as dirty and scuffed as the day they had toasted beers to their future. The lights were off, the thin moonlight creating shadows. But she could hear the wind move within the house, carrying the sound of someone outside. _Phil._

 

Like a ghost she slipped through the house, passing through the patio doors to stand on a newly built deck. Hunched over his knees, staring up at the moon, was Phil Coulson. She had imagined him shivering in a sweat stained t-shirt trying to overcome his compulsion. But it seemed the worst was yet to come. Stepping further onto the deck, the wood creaked beneath her.

 

Phil’s head snapped in her direction. “Melinda.”

 

“Phil.” He was here. She’d found him. “It’s time to come home.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Agents of SHIELD or any of its characters, or settings - all belongs to Marvel and ABC.
> 
> Thank you all very much for reading!

Melinda wasn’t sure how long she had been standing in Phil’s house in Alexandria. It could have been minutes; it could have been hours. The silence that seemed to envelop them as they reunited was endless. She watched him, as if taking her dark eyes away would cause him to disappear in a puff of smoke. But he did not disappear, he did not leave. He just sat on the edge of the deck, head bowed.

 

In a small voice, Phil finally spoke. “You shouldn’t have come looking for me.”

 

“As opposed to what? Let you just disappear? Let you go through this _alone_?”

 

Phil raised his weary eyes to hers. “Doing it this way was better for everyone. You could lead SHIELD; the agency wouldn’t suffer because of my deterioration. I’d just be another SHIELD legend. The Director who just disappeared one day. The cadets would tell that story for years.”

 

“We don’t have an Academy.”

 

He laughed. But it did not reach his eyes. “The flaw in my plan. Like the carving I must have missed.”

 

Melinda took the empty space beside Phil. After worrying about him for the past two weeks, she couldn’t quite believe that she had really found him. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

 

“You should have stayed. You shouldn’t have come after me.”

 

She responded with a glare. “Lie to me; tell me you wouldn’t have burned every connection you had trying to find me if our roles were reversed.”

 

“You’re right. I would.” Melinda knew him too well. She knew the lengths he would go to find her. “Your mother’s house in Pennsylvania, Director Carter’s old place in D.C, Sausalito.” He’d memorised her list. “The Bay is really beautiful this time of year.”

 

“I know. I went. I went to all of them. Camp Lehigh, Manitowoc, Sausalito. I followed your trail of breadcrumbs.”

 

“Phil Coulson’s final tour,” he declared sadly. “It was good, you know. I got to see my parents, our old house. I even went to Portland, caught a performance of the Philharmonic. Their first chair cellist is really good. She’s engaged now.” Phil seemed to wilt before her very eyes. “I never got to say goodbye last time. I never got to see all the places again, finish all the things I wanted to do. This time I wanted to do it right. I didn’t want to leave a hole. I wanted things to be complete.”

 

Melinda sighed. “Life is never complete, Phil. When you die, there is always business left unsaid. Leaving like you did was selfish, Phil. You left too many things unsaid back there.”

 

“I know. But I decided it was more selfish to stay, to put you through all this again. To ask you to kill me if it had to be done. I couldn’t put you through that again. I thought that this would be easier. But now you know, and I don’t know what to do.”

 

“You _fight._ ” Melinda’s dark eyes bore into his. “You were given a second chance, Phil. It hasn’t been easy, but you need to fight for it.”

 

His face was that of a defeated man. “You can’t always fight, Melinda.”

 

“Simmons has a way.”

 

His shoulders dropped, his bottom lip fell open. “What?”

 

Melinda swallowed, preparing herself to explain what Jemma had theorised. “Simmons believes that the GH-325 in your system will protect you from the effect of the Inhuman crystals. She believes that putting your body through Terrigenesis will re-set your system. No more carving.”

 

Phil’s eyes widened as he took on this new development. He glanced towards his replacement hand; the replacement of the one Mack had chopped off to stop the spread of the calcification. She gripped his other hand, stopping him from swaying into unconsciousness. She was pleased when Phil held it back just as tightly.

 

“If this doesn’t work, I’ll be a rock ornament.”

 

“You’re dead either way. This gives you a fighting chance.”

 

“That it does.” Phil rubbed his face, looking up as if to find the answers he needed. “I need to think. I need a little time. Is that okay?”

 

Melinda nodded, smiling weakly. She patted his hand, before giving him the space he needed. “Of course. I’ve spent the last two weeks chasing you, I’ll be glad to stay in one place for a while.”

 

Together they stood, heading back into the house. After a few months of solid work, it would probably be the house that Phil had always dreamt of. Melinda wondered if he even had that long before the serum took over. But she recognised something in his eyes now, something she hadn’t seen in a long time. _Hope._

“There’s plenty of space upstairs, but only one bed. Is that okay with you?”

 

“It’s fine.” She turned to Phil, staring intently at her old friend. “But you better still be there tomorrow morning.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

The last night she had seen Phil, they had talked for ages. As the hours ticked by, he had suggested that she stay in his room like the old days at the Academy. It had seemed right at the time. Now, as they lay together on a single mattress, Melinda did not fall asleep. Instead she watched Phil, watched him twist and turn as the serum plagued his mind. Sleep for her did not come easily. Melinda did not indulge hope that this was all a nightmare. The only hope she had was that she had not found him only to watch him die.

 

\--

 

Melinda woke the next morning to the sound of a hammer against wood. There was no Phil beside her, but there was weak tea in a takeaway cup. She took it gratefully, sipping the warm liquid as she made her way through the unfinished house out into the back garden. It was still early, yet Phil was already out finishing the deck. It seemed his compulsion had inspired another: the need to finish what he had started. This house was supposed to be his life away from SHIELD. But it had only served as a reminder of how much SHIELD had taken from him.

 

“Morning.”

 

“Morning.” Phil beamed up at her. “You sleep okay?”

 

Melinda shrugged. “It was better than the motel I stayed at in Sausalito. Bed bugs.”

 

Phil made a face. “Eww.” He stood up, wiping his hand along his sweaty brow. “Well don’t worry, this place is infestation free. Mostly. But I’ve got something to show you. Come on.”

 

She followed him out the front door and onto the front porch. Unlike his former home in Manitowoc, there was no porch swing here. But there was a flag pole. For the first time since Phil had moved in, it was flying the American flag. What did it remind him of, Melinda wondered. His father, who had hung the one at their family home? Or his Captain, who had brought his crashing down. As she watched Phil gaze on with pride, Melinda realised it was neither. It was a symbol. A symbol of something being whole.

 

“Call Jemma.”

 

“What?”

 

Phil turned to her, bowing his head as he repeated his words. “Make the call. If there’s a chance that I can get through this, I want to take it. But I just want Simmons here. Not Skye, not Fitz. If this doesn’t go well, I don’t want them to remember me like that.”

 

“I understand.”

 

He gave a firm nod, before moving to return inside. But then he stopped. “I wanted you to remember me as your friend, Melinda. That was what that night was about. We’ve been through a lot. I wanted you to remember our friendship.”

 

“I did. I do.”

 

He gave another nod, his body almost trembling on the spot. “Make the call.”

 

Melinda stood, alone, for a long while before she made that call. She wanted to make sure she was making the right choice. If there was a chance, they had to take it. Any chance was better than none. Even if it meant the end. Looking up at the flag, Melinda dialled Jemma Simmons.

 

\--

 

They waited in Phil’s lounge for Simmons to arrive. They didn’t say a word. It didn’t seem right to fill the time with awkward small talk. Melinda rose silently at a knock on the door, opening it slowly to let Jemma inside. The scientist carried two bags: a medical kit, and a small pouch carrying one of the remaining Terrigen crystals.

 

“We’ve run tests on several rats and mice to determine the viability of our theory. We think it has a high level of success,” Simmons explained, taking extra care with the pouch containing the crystal. “As we’ve seen from Skye’s transformation, calcification is a normal reaction. So don’t be scared when that happens.”

 

Phil frowned.  “I won’t be. It’s the not turning back part that scares me.”

 

“I understand.” Jemma took in a deep breath. “This is your choice, sir. You don’t have to do this.”

 

“I know. But it’s either this, or go insane. I don’t think I can handle that again.”

 

Simmons painted on a thin smile, leaving the pouch to one side. She stood up, brushing herself free of the dust from Coulson’s home. “I’ll let you have a moment. Call me when the first stage of the process is complete.”

 

Melinda nodded at her. “I will. Thank you, Jemma.”

 

Simmons took her medical bag and walked out onto the deck. Melinda turned to Phil, watched him stare at the pouch that contained the crystal. “Are you ready?”

 

“I am. I’ve said my goodbyes. I’ve hung my flag. I’m ready to do this.” Phil bowed his head. When he lifted his eyes, they met hers. “You know, I always wondered whether we’d be good together romantically. We always had chemistry in the field. If I’d asked you to dinner, would you have said yes? Feel free to lie, I’m probably going to die in the next five minutes anyway.”

 

Melinda sighed. She slid closer to Phil, her hand lingering against his cheek. She loved that smile. She loved him. “Any time you would have asked, I would have said yes.”

 

“Good to know.” Phil leant forward, resting his forehead against hers. “You mean a lot to me, you know that right? Please tell me you know that.”

 

She nodded. “I do. I really do.”  

 

One hand touched the side of her face. The other reached for the crystal. He hesitated. His eyes closed for the briefest of moments. Then he grabbed it. Phil gasped. Melinda watched as the effect of the crystal begun to take hold. His body began to calcify, the rock spreading up his hand and over his arm. She watched the formation spread over his chest, his body slowly turn to stone. He held her gaze, his blue eyes staring deeply into hers.

 

“Melinda, I…”

 

“I know.”

 

Then he was gone.

 

Melinda stared at what remained of her best friend. She watched, searching for any sign that he would break free. Her eyes did not fall from his, not even when Jemma entered the room. Hours seemed to pass, days even. She waited, and waited. In the corner of her eye, Melinda saw Jemma staring at her watch. The hope that had been building in the pit of her stomach was gone.

 

_Phil was gone._

 

She reached out one last time, the pads of her fingers brushing his face. “I love you too.”

 

Melinda closed her eyes when she heard something crack. Neither she nor Jemma should watch this. But then she felt a hand tug at her shoulder. Melinda opened her eyes to watch the rock crumble away revealing Phil inside. He gasped; his body shaking as the calcified rock disintegrated into ash. Phil lay against the floorboards, his body weak but his smile bright.

 

“It worked. I can’t believe it worked.” Jemma’s arms wrapped around her shoulders; her face pressing into the curve of her neck. “It worked, May, it worked!”

 

Melinda nodded, unable to tear her eyes away from Phil. _It had worked._ For the first time in a long while, Melinda was starting to think that everything would be okay.

 

_Six Months Later_

It seemed right that it should start in Sausalito.

 

It had been their first mission together, the start of their SHIELD careers. It had been their first time undercover, the first time they’d ever got into a gunfight. It had been the first time that Melinda had known, _really known,_ that Phil would always have her back. No other place would have been right for their first date. The same restaurant. The same beautiful sun setting over the Bay. Same smile.

 

“So, have you talked to Sharon about signing up yet?”

 

 _Somethings never changed._ Melinda glared at her partner over their table. “I thought we agreed no shop talk.”

 

Phil held his hands up. “I’m sorry. It’s just so hard to get you alone these days. Are you sure you’re glad to be giving up the job?”

 

“Oh absolutely. Too much paperwork. Not enough field work.”

 

“I remember hearing that once or twice at the Academy.” Phil smiled, leaning in across the table. “Melinda, you know I didn’t think it was possible, but I think you’re actually more beautiful than you were the last time we came here.”

 

Melinda smiled, leaning forward as well. “Did you forget your glasses?”

 

He chuckled. “I’m being serious.”

 

“I know you are. And thank you.”

 

The waiter came by with their cheque, Phil insisting that he pay. Always the gentleman, he even pulled out her chair and slipped her wrap around her shoulders before they left. It had been a perfect evening, a well-deserved moment after the last six months. Phil’s decision to take some time off, Ward rearing his ugly head, Jemma disappearing into a rock…Melinda wasn’t sure whether they were in the eye of the storm or whether it had finally passed them by. Either way, she was enjoying the moment whilst she could.

 

They paused to lean against the railings, Phil’s arms gently wrapping around her waist. She pressed her hands over his, smiling as his lips lingered against her cheek. “Have I thanked you recently for coming after me?”

 

“Not in the last six hours,” Melinda teased. “You don’t have to keep thanking me. Where you go, I go. We’re partners. We’re in this to the end.”

 

“Till death do us part.”

 

Melinda smirked, staring up at Phi with a smile on her lips. She raised her hand to his cheek, bringing him down for a kiss. _Not even then._


End file.
